Friends W/ NO Benefits

I’ve been waiting for this breakthrough for awhile, frustrated and angry that it didn’t come sooner. I know you can’t put a timeline on grief and loss, but oh how I tried. I told myself, ” you have a year to get your shit together”. HA!

Maybe I won’t laugh too hard because I’m definitely getting there. I think. Most days. Better than I was, anyway.

I’d been thinking since the first of the year that I needed a change, needed out of this house. The good memories made me miss him and made me sad. The bad memories made me angry and were suffocating. A few weeks ago, I stopped in at the office of the apartments where my daughter and her family live, just to get some info and see what the newly remodeled ones “just in case”. An hour later, I’d completed an application and was approved! I sat there and thought, ” I guess I’m doing this.”

I was excited, scared, happy and sad all at once.

The next weekend, my daughter came over to go through some of her stuff in the attic. We ended up purging the whole thing! Things from all 4 kids, plus John and I….90% went in the garbage, or will be. See below lol

It felt so good to get this done and I felt so accomplished! Until the next morning when I left for work. I looked over and saw the remains of 10 years worth of memories. My mood instantly went to ” You son of a bitch”. My whole day I was sad, grumpy, teary, the works. This mood went on for days, mind you. Self pep talks were not working, venting to good friends was not working. Wanna know what did? Talking to him, of all people. I know. Trust me, keep reading.

You may tell me I’m crazy when you finish reading this, but that’s okay. Because I’ve discovered just this past weekend, that STILL I’m living my life to please others. I was still making decisions based on what others (my very opinionated daughter, especially) might say or think. Here I’m pep talking myself into this new life/new me bullshit and I’m not doing any of it! SO……. I made a decision. I want him in my life. Not as a husband or lover, but as a friend. We’re good as friends. I will say, he’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life and that is what I was so sad to lose. Then I asked myself, ” why do I have to lose it at all?” Because people tell me I do? Because that’s what’s expected? Excuse my language, but FUCK THAT! Here I am, claiming to be this new bad ass warrior woman branching out on my own at almost 50 and I’m watering myself down for fear of what others might think? Uh…..NO!

I like that, I think I’ll post that for his birthday. So there!

 

 

Spring? You Comin?

As The Beatles would say, it’s been a long, cold, lonely winter. Only thing is, I don’t see the sun. We have heavy rain forecast for the next two days, which will help melt all the snow we’ve gotten in February and March so far, BUT, has the potential to cause some major flooding.

Imagine this turning to water…… then rain on top of it. The temps are forecast for upper 40’s to low 50’s. What a mess!

Good thing is, soon, I won’t have to worry about living on low ground. I move into a second floor apartment April 1st and I am so excited! My very first place of my own…ever! Well, my son will be there, but you get what I’m saying. Thinking about that, it’s kind of sad. I’ve never before been in the financial position on my own to have my own place. Until now 🙂 Did I mention I’m excited?? Here’s my kitchen…….lol

I’m just hoping that we don’t get any more snow before we move. * Doing the Spring weather dance*

I suppose it’s this time of year again too….

HAHA kidding! Already shaved. Whew! The heading though……..yeah, I did it for me. No one else has been looking or probably will be for awhile.

Just a fluff piece so I can sort out in my head a little heavier post. Been going through a lot of different emotions packing up my things.

In the meantime…..here’s my G’Baby watching Frozen for the first time 🙂

Stay tuned…….

Love Is……

Obviously there is no love in the air for this newly single gal this Valentine’s Day. Well, still-married-can’t-afford-to-file-yet-so…..anyhoo.

It’s crazy that stores were putting up Valentine’s Day goodies, even before the shelves were emptied of Christmas things. Happens every year I suppose, it’s just all so commercialized and about who can spend the most money on useless crap that will either sit in a box, tote, or get thrown away before the year is over with.

I’m sort of glad I don’t have a Valentine as I always struggled with a gift for the reason above. Cards get thrown away, guys don’t want flowers, candy? meh.

Good Lord, I used to be a hopeless romantic. Now, I feel all jaded and humbug-gy about every holiday. I do hope this passes someday because I do not want to be one of those bitter old jaded women with multiple divorces that vows to never open her heart again.

My choices have failed me the last two marriages, and while I can say I don’t plan on ever walking down the aisle again, who knows. I certainly have too big a heart to close it off for good. I’m just scared of my judgment.

So while most humans will be buying/receiving balloons and cards and flowers this Valentine’s Day, I will be catching up on all my Housewives of the OC, Beverly Hills, New Jersey shows and probably eating Hamburger Helper.

Because……real single life.

My December

I know, I know, I promised myself I’d write more…..*sigh*

I was so glad to see December come and go, even though I set impossible goals for myself. Like quit smoking ( well, that one I did….so far, so good), get the house organized and in order….ha! THAT didn’t happen! And the big one….I was going to be over the break up of my marriage. Yeah, still working on that one too. The one thing I did realize is that it’s not a smart move to put such monstrous tasks upon yourself.

December was actually okay for me, other than being sick for 3 weeks at the end. This stupid upper respiratory infection that turned into bronchitis. Heavy duty antibiotics, two rounds of oral steroids, countless breathing treatments and hits of my inhaler later, it took 3 weeks to feel better and another full week after that to get my voice back. If anyone coughs around me these days I cover my face like a vampire and all but hiss at them!

December brought my grandson’s birthday. I cannot believe he turned 2 already!

The next day was my birthday. I felt horrible both days but I didn’t want to miss his and my kids made big plans for mine. Now, keep in mind, I could barely walk from one room to the next without getting out of breath so I made her promise all I had to do was walk in somewhere and sit. I wanted nothing more than to stay home on my couch under my blankie and just sleep. But, my daughter was SO excited about this surprise ( and she’s not one to do something like this) so I went. They even blind folded me!

We walk in the  bar, they take my blindfold off and every single person is wearing a Unicorn mask! LMAO

Back story on the Unicorn theme…….

One day I posted a meme, because, you know, RED HEAD.

And I think my friends ran with the idea that I collected unicorns? Because every single person was wearing one, even my biker friends!

There were rainbow balloons, masks, cake……..

Slippers……

and glitter everywhere

I adore my crazy friends! And my daughter rocked and pulling this altogether. Even though all I could do really is sit and let people come to me.

A few days later was Christmas which was amazing and spent at my daughter’s house for the first time. I have pics but not a lot as I wasn’t feeling well, crabby from the steroids, her and her hubby argued and I walked out. 😦 *sigh*

I truly am grateful for my kids and my friends who I call family. But thank goodness 2018 is over!

 

 

 

 

Camping and getting’ right with myself

I’m sitting here on the porch, watching it rain. We haven’t had any in awhile and it’s been so peaceful all day. Everything looks to green and alive!

Last weekend, my son and I went to Hancock, Iowa, to a friend’s farm for a party and small music festival. They do it every year and call it Porkstock. It is so peaceful and so much fun. Great times, great people, great music and the peace and quiet of the country.

Here’s a little tidbit of our weekend. I woke up in my tent and heard the horses plodding around so unzipped my little window. I’m still cursing myself that I let my phone die and my camera was in the van because both horses, both mini goats with the donkey in the middle was perfectly framed in my window lol. I started cracking up and woke up my son in the next tent. Dangit!

The stage that the guys are on is in a century old bard that they cut the front wall out of. Complete with permanent lights and sound system. Yes, it’s all removed in the winter ;).

The first night we got there, we were some of the few guests so we spent the evening in the “party barn” with the owner and a few other people. The owner is half Cherokee Indian so we ended the night with a saging and Cherokee blessing for each of us. What a great start to a wonderful weekend.

Did a little singing with one of my best friends but I don’t know how to share it here from Facebook. John was invited but out of respect for me and my son, he declined. I’m glad. We are getting along, even went to a wedding together this weekend which was a little awkward, as a few people thought that meant we were back together. But the camping weekend helped me find my center and start rebuilding the part of myself that I lost while putting up with all the BS of the last few years.

My son was asked to come back out this weekend and help with clean up and getting the farm ready for some Halloween parties and he told me today that he’s staying all this week, too. He really loves it out there. I always say he’s a country boy stuck in the city. So I have some time alone this weekend to reflect on what I want to do with myself and my life going forward. Definitely not even thinking of the dating pool. Not nearly ready for that yet! No way!

We shall see……I better go get some laundry dried for work this next week. Hope whoever may be reading this has had a great weekend and will have a great week. Please take some time for yourself to just breathe. The rough times DO pass. I promise!

Drama, Divorce and Depression

Lately, I’ve realized that I’m coming out on the other side of the craziness of the past 6 months. And I also now feel comfortable enough to lay it all out, even if I’m the only one who reads this.

My hubby and I have been struggling for a very long time. A few years ago, it was brought to my attention that there may be a little sumpn’ sumpn’ going on with my husband and his ex girlfriend’s sister. After going through his Facebook, I discovered very well laid out plans between the two of them to hook up. I went a little “Irish” on them both and made him leave. It was a very stressful time, of course, but after a few weeks, I started missing him so bad and thought that if we could get help, we could maybe make it through.

The past two years have been hell a lot of the time. The trust was gone. I tried so very hard to get it back, but it was a lost cause. There was a moment last summer that he had taken his daughter for a weekend camping trip before school started and I spent a lot of the weekend alone. And I absolutely LOVED IT! It was so peaceful, no tension, no one sitting right across the room not speaking. No guilt over not wanting him to touch me. I got a small glimpse of what life would be like on my own and I craved it. That made me sad and I spend a lot of time crying. That Saturday evening as I was shutting the house down for the night, I knew I had a BIG decision to make. Sunday, they pulled in and were here about 10 minutes before I asked a simple question, he took it wrong and snapped at me. Yeah……. and there we go.

I sat with him that afternoon and told him what was in my heart and mind and that we either needed to get major marriage counseling or just call it quits. He promised the counseling. Unfortunately, our insurance wouldn’t cover it and it’s pretty expensive, so we tried on our own. Pffffffft I do believe I had been smacked with so many signs right in the face and I ignored every single one of them.

Fast forward to January. I had gotten up around 3 am one morning, being so stressed, I just was not sleeping well. Now, remember the trust issue….. I had a very strong gut feeling that I needed to check his phone. I tried ignoring it but finally gave in. Yes, I know it’s wrong, but I was proven right.  There in color was a message from a hookup site between my husband and another woman,  making plans to hook up and have sex if his job got rained out that day. As you can imagine, I was devastated. And I felt as if my whole heart just shattered. After all that had been going on, I was so FURIOUS!

He woke up that morning, grabbed some coffee and I followed him out on the porch. I asked him how long he’d been f*cking (her name)?! He said he wasn’t. I showed him the message. All he did was hang his head, say he was sorry and that he would move out. That’s it. That’s all I got. The next few much were hard as hell because he was stuck without the funds to move until the end of March. To add insult to injury, I was dumb enough to peek a few more times and the messages didn’t stop. Multiple women, flirting, planning, trading pics, etc.

It took a weeks and weeks after he moved out before I could stand to have a conversation with him without crying with anger. My self esteem took a major hit and all I kept wondering was, why wasn’t I enough.

Now it’s July and I’m all past that shit now. Believe it or not, him and I have gotten to the point where our relationship has actually shifted to friendship. We both realized we weren’t happy. I’m not sure he ever will be as he’s been now diagnosed with a Sex Addiction. YA THINK??!! I have learned a lot about and him and about myself since he moved out. I am loving living on my own, well with my son, and discovering the woman I always knew was inside somewhere. I’m happier at home, at work, with friends. There is no tension in my life at all right now. I’m in Heaven.

So just know, if your journey is just beginning, you CAN do this. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends you can trust not to gossip when you’re not around. Garden. Read. Write. Anything to keep yourself from wallowing at home alone. Go see a band. Go watch some volleyball at a bar. Get out of the house! You can do it. And if you need to vent, comment below. I’ll help if I can.

~~~~ Laura

Pool Party vs. Pity Party

This weekend, I thank God for the friends that have my back through this craziness. I have one I will call L. She has a radar that seems to tell her when I’m home alone feeling sorry for myself, so when I got her Facebook message on Saturday afternoon, I wasn’t surprised. Honestly, I just wanted to go lay in bed and cover up for a few hours. She asked me to come over to help her with her pool, and I have this new thing now where I’m trying not to push others away. Which is the first thing you seem to do when you want to wallow and have said Pity Party.

So I grab my suit and a towel and tell her I’m on my way. I get there, sit with her and have a smoke and finally ask her what she needed help with. She went into her garage, came out with two Bud Lights and said, “drinking this in my pool”, with a big cheesy grin on her face. God bless that woman! I stood up to go change and she smacks my ass and said NO PITY PARTY TODAY! She said she just had a feeling that I needed time with a friend. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her.

We floated in the pool, with me almost clinging to the side staying in the shade. Cuz this is me:

 

Today, I just cleaned and did laundry and dishes and watched a movie. Nice, relaxing day while Bubba hung out with his sister and Lyric.

Not sure what brought it on , but the tears came today. It doesn’t happen a lot anymore, but I think it was more the fact that my so called best friends have scattered to the winds because they’re so “busy”. Nice photos on Facebook from the bars this weekend though ;0) The tears became worse so I hopped in the shower so the neighbors wouldn’t think I was going crazy. I stood under the water and sobbed and sobbed until I couldn’t stand myself anymore, then I was fine.

I turned on my 80’s Pop channel on Pandora, because how can  you be sad while doing the dance moves to Mickey by Toni Basil? You can’t! My vacuum cleaner was my partner for a slow dance or two and my living and dining rooms were much appreciative. I did take a nap because, well, all those dance moves n stuff. Turned out to be a good day after all and I have decided I’ve wasted all the tears I’m going to on people that don’t respect our friendship or value me as a person. So there!

Monday is back tomorrow *sigh*…….Whoever happens to see this, have a great week!

You Find Out Who Your Friends Are

An addition, I guess, to the previous blog.

Isn’t it funny that, while going through Hell, some people you least expect will cock their weapons, throw on their leathers and plow right through with you?

While the ones you thought you could always count on, are nowhere to be found.

I’ve had a group of girlfriends that I grew up with. I’m talking from 1st grade on. All the awesome memories will always be with me. Today, it makes me sad to think about them.

When my mother passed away in 2002, life had been crazy for all of us. We had gone our separate ways but if we’d see each other out and about, it was like no time had passed at all. Hugs, kisses, plans to get together. Which never seemed to happen.

When my father passed away in 2008, those same friends gathered me in their circle and did not let go. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without them all. They kept me breathing and my head above water. After a time, life again got in the way. No one’s fault, it just happens.

Since January and my marriage shattering to the wind, I’ve seen my “best friend” maybe twice. Not ONE TIME has she asked if I’m okay. Or if I need anything. When I do start talking/venting/lamenting, the conversation is turned to what is happening with her. I’m left looking like a deer in the headlights, trying to keep up with what’s happening. My support is apparently not going to come from her. When I’m down and would give anything for a hug and someone to tell me that things will be okay, she’s sleeping. Or busy. Or has a headache. I’ve heard two excuses this week alone as to why she couldn’t stop by.

About 3 weeks ago, I forced myself to leave the house and go to an event that would be filled with people I missed from the biker community hubby and I were a part of. Him and I even sat at the same table and chatted with friends. It was nice. After he’d left, I was watching the band and chatting with a few girls and saw a post on Facebook about another friend heading to a bar in my town. So plans were made to meet up there and I headed back across the river, closer to home. I got to the bar first and chatted with some people I know and even got up on stage for a couple songs. Fun!

I hadn’t really paid attention to the time as I was having fun chatting and singing. I noticed I’d been there for almost an hour. Weird. The girls said to meet them here and that they were on their way. J had a different number so I couldn’t call or text, so I popped back on the Facebook post and let her know I was there and to see if they were still coming. Nothing. Another 15 minutes, no response. I asked if they’d changed their minds. Nothing. I chatted with the band for their 15 minute break and checked one more time. Nothing. I let her know that I was headed home and I would catch up with her another time. As it was, it was after midnight and it had been a long night.

It’s been 3 weeks and there has STILL been no response to my posts. She’s all over Facebook. No response to me. Time to let go.

After all I had given of myself to my husband, while he chatted with women online for months, I had no more to give to anyone who didn’t respect my time or friendship. Life changes, always. I know that. But these two friendship losses hurt. So after a bit of a set back this week and a hit to my self confidence, I am once again pulling myself up.

I will get there. I’m patient.

Stupid, Beautiful Life

My last post was in November, life was great and full of hope and looking forward to my first grandchild.

December 21st, the best birthday present of my life was born. Lyric Rush. Here’s my all time favorite pic from the hospital lol. Doesn’t he just look like he’s contemplating how the hell he got here?

The picture in the header is him about a month ago and I could post hundreds in between but I won’t. He’s the love of my life and I’m his “Lolly”. Each week is a new adventure as he grows and learns new words and does silly things just to make people clap and smile. Such a ham.

I’ve also been through another life change since he was born. Hubby and I have been through so much the past couple years and I will admit we were hanging on by a thread. To be honest, I’d checked out sometime last summer. I noticed it last August when he took his daughter on a weekend camping trip and I had the house to myself. I was in heaven. It was so quiet and peaceful, no tension or stress. No one sitting across the room from me with his nose buried in his internet, not speaking to me.  I spent a lot of that weekend crying with the realization I didn’t want this life anymore. We’d talked about therapy ( mostly for his issues), but there was always an excuse not to start. He’d checked out to.

In trying to find the courage to have “the talk”, things were very stressful for me. Then one morning in January, I had this strong feeling that I needed to look at his tablet. Now I’ve always had trust issues with him, which wasn’t good to begin with. Yes I was given reasons. Anyway, this morning, I tried ignoring that voice in my head. It wouldn’t shut up. So I opened up the tablet and right there for me to find, was a message between him and another woman. Making plans to ” hook up” if he had a snow day from work that week. And that, as they say, was the last drop in the bucket for me.

We’d been down this road before. We struggled through that time, but I don’t think things were ever the same. So as precarious as our relationship had been lately, I sort of got it. Boys will be boys right? Yeah…….about that…… Something broke in me that morning. I mean, completely shattered. He woke up, made a cup of coffee, and I told him he needed to move out. Not that simply, but I will save the embarrassing details of sobbing and snotting all over myself.

That morning he said one word. “Okay.”

Due to finances, he was stuck here for 2 more months. Until I circled March 31st on the calendar. Whether he bunked on a buddy’s couch, he needed to leave. I couldn’t be in the same space as he continued talking to other women online. Yes, I snooped. Why? Because in a sick way, it helped drive the decision home, making ME feel less guilty about wanting a divorce. Screwed up, I know, but there it is.

After months of being so angry and wanting to stab him in the throat, we’re finally at a place that we can be in the same space. He’s not allowed to have that sad puppy dog look on his face. I nipped that real quick. Especially knowing from his daughter that he’s even talked to a few women on the phone. Dude. Just. No.

It’s taken me awhile but I am slowly coming back into my own skin and learning to take care of myself. And like myself. That was hard. And no one ever tells you that the hardest one to forgive is yourself. For allowing things to carry on as long as you do. To enable toxic behavior. For putting your own soul aside for someone else. I will never ever EVER do that again.

I kinda like this feisty chick looking back in the mirror these days.

A few more days and we will all be filling our stomachs with good food and filling our homes with family. I know that’s not always a good thing, but these days, it is for me. Even though my family has changed and grown in the past 10 years, it couldn’t get any better than this.

It has been a struggle through the years as my siblings and I scattered to the wind after the death of our father. Falling outs, harsh words, jealousy, stupidity……all of it has taken its toll. Living most of my life in the middle of chaos and physical fighting, a bipolar sister whose moods swung quicker than the swing set in the backyard in a tornado, a stoner brother, a checked out mom (high on prescription drugs) and an over the road trucker father only home on weekends…….. yet our holidays were magical. Weird right? My parents always made sure that the family was all gathered together and there was a lot of love and laughter, til it was over and things went back to “normal”. Christmas was amazing with my father putting on his old beat up Santa costume for the little cousins at my aunt’s house. We’d leave there every year in a food coma and drive around our city, looking at all the best Christmas light displays. All the best were always up in the hills in the “rich” part of town.

So many great memories and at this time each year, I miss them so much. I cannot wait to introduce those traditions to our grandbabies. Yes, you read right, we have two. Tall Boy’s son has a beautiful baby girl. So we have one of each! Christmas will be so much fun, but challenging as Baby Boy’s birthday is December 21st and we are all going to keep it as NON-Christmasy as possible.

My birthday is the 22nd ( best birthday gift EVER by the way) and I always got birthday cakes shaped like Christmas trees or Santas. Then for my birthday gift, I got the choice of ONE present from underneath the Christmas tree. The first time I noticed that my relatives got more presents for their birthday, I felt jipped. But I also realized, my folks couldn’t have afforded to do it differently. I have never been a materialistic person, even as a kid. Can you imagine kids these days if that happened? Yikes!

We just want Baby Boy to have his own special day and it’s becoming a challenge as my mind goes to birthday gifts and then a few days later, Christmas. *sigh*

I know no one will probably read this blog but me, but I wanted to get back on here anyway.

Lots of funny, silly stuff happens, that I like to share, but it seems that I’ve gotten into the Facebook bubble along with the rest of the world.

I will try my best to stop in here more often, especially to read the stories from others. So much more to share in a place like this without the fear of offending anyone. Here, I don’t care. I will have good days where I will post funnies, bad days where I will bitch about life. But it’s okay.

To be continued…..