Friends W/ NO Benefits

I’ve been waiting for this breakthrough for awhile, frustrated and angry that it didn’t come sooner. I know you can’t put a timeline on grief and loss, but oh how I tried. I told myself, ” you have a year to get your shit together”. HA!

Maybe I won’t laugh too hard because I’m definitely getting there. I think. Most days. Better than I was, anyway.

I’d been thinking since the first of the year that I needed a change, needed out of this house. The good memories made me miss him and made me sad. The bad memories made me angry and were suffocating. A few weeks ago, I stopped in at the office of the apartments where my daughter and her family live, just to get some info and see what the newly remodeled ones “just in case”. An hour later, I’d completed an application and was approved! I sat there and thought, ” I guess I’m doing this.”

I was excited, scared, happy and sad all at once.

The next weekend, my daughter came over to go through some of her stuff in the attic. We ended up purging the whole thing! Things from all 4 kids, plus John and I….90% went in the garbage, or will be. See below lol

attic mess

It felt so good to get this done and I felt so accomplished! Until the next morning when I left for work. I looked over and saw the remains of 10 years worth of memories. My mood instantly went to ” You son of a bitch”. My whole day I was sad, grumpy, teary, the works. This mood went on for days, mind you. Self pep talks were not working, venting to good friends was not working. Wanna know what did? Talking to him, of all people. I know. Trust me, keep reading.

You may tell me I’m crazy when you finish reading this, but that’s okay. Because I’ve discovered just this past weekend, that STILL I’m living my life to please others. I was still making decisions based on what others (my very opinionated daughter, especially) might say or think. Here I’m pep talking myself into this new life/new me bullshit and I’m not doing any of it! SO……. I made a decision. I want him in my life. Not as a husband or lover, but as a friend. We’re good as friends. I will say, he’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life and that is what I was so sad to lose. Then I asked myself, ” why do I have to lose it at all?” Because people tell me I do? Because that’s what’s expected? Excuse my language, but FUCK THAT! Here I am, claiming to be this new bad ass warrior woman branching out on my own at almost 50 and I’m watering myself down for fear of what others might think? Uh…..NO!

I like that, I think I’ll post that for his birthday. So there!

 

 

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Spring? You Comin?

As The Beatles would say, it’s been a long, cold, lonely winter. Only thing is, I don’t see the sun. We have heavy rain forecast for the next two days, which will help melt all the snow we’ve gotten in February and March so far, BUT, has the potential to cause some major flooding.

snow 2019

Imagine this turning to water…… then rain on top of it. The temps are forecast for upper 40’s to low 50’s. What a mess!

Good thing is, soon, I won’t have to worry about living on low ground. I move into a second floor apartment April 1st and I am so excited! My very first place of my own…ever! Well, my son will be there, but you get what I’m saying. Thinking about that, it’s kind of sad. I’ve never before been in the financial position on my own to have my own place. Until now 🙂 Did I mention I’m excited?? Here’s my kitchen…….lol

My new kitchen

I’m just hoping that we don’t get any more snow before we move. * Doing the Spring weather dance*

I suppose it’s this time of year again too….

shave legs

HAHA kidding! Already shaved. Whew! The heading though……..yeah, I did it for me. No one else has been looking or probably will be for awhile.

Just a fluff piece so I can sort out in my head a little heavier post. Been going through a lot of different emotions packing up my things.

In the meantime…..here’s my G’Baby watching Frozen for the first time 🙂

Lyric watching Frozen

Stay tuned…….

Love Is……

Sheldon Love is in the air

Obviously there is no love in the air for this newly single gal this Valentine’s Day. Well, still-married-can’t-afford-to-file-yet-so…..anyhoo.

It’s crazy that stores were putting up Valentine’s Day goodies, even before the shelves were emptied of Christmas things. Happens every year I suppose, it’s just all so commercialized and about who can spend the most money on useless crap that will either sit in a box, tote, or get thrown away before the year is over with.

I’m sort of glad I don’t have a Valentine as I always struggled with a gift for the reason above. Cards get thrown away, guys don’t want flowers, candy? meh.

Good Lord, I used to be a hopeless romantic. Now, I feel all jaded and humbug-gy about every holiday. I do hope this passes someday because I do not want to be one of those bitter old jaded women with multiple divorces that vows to never open her heart again.

My choices have failed me the last two marriages, and while I can say I don’t plan on ever walking down the aisle again, who knows. I certainly have too big a heart to close it off for good. I’m just scared of my judgment.

So while most humans will be buying/receiving balloons and cards and flowers this Valentine’s Day, I will be catching up on all my Housewives of the OC, Beverly Hills, New Jersey shows and probably eating Hamburger Helper.

Because……real single life. Valentine's Day

My December

december art

I know, I know, I promised myself I’d write more…..*sigh*

I was so glad to see December come and go, even though I set impossible goals for myself. Like quit smoking ( well, that one I did….so far, so good), get the house organized and in order….ha! THAT didn’t happen! And the big one….I was going to be over the break up of my marriage. Yeah, still working on that one too. The one thing I did realize is that it’s not a smart move to put such monstrous tasks upon yourself.

December was actually okay for me, other than being sick for 3 weeks at the end. This stupid upper respiratory infection that turned into bronchitis. Heavy duty antibiotics, two rounds of oral steroids, countless breathing treatments and hits of my inhaler later, it took 3 weeks to feel better and another full week after that to get my voice back. If anyone coughs around me these days I cover my face like a vampire and all but hiss at them!

vampire

December brought my grandson’s birthday. I cannot believe he turned 2 already!

lyric birthday

The next day was my birthday. I felt horrible both days but I didn’t want to miss his and my kids made big plans for mine. Now, keep in mind, I could barely walk from one room to the next without getting out of breath so I made her promise all I had to do was walk in somewhere and sit. I wanted nothing more than to stay home on my couch under my blankie and just sleep. But, my daughter was SO excited about this surprise ( and she’s not one to do something like this) so I went. They even blind folded me!

blindfold

We walk in the  bar, they take my blindfold off and every single person is wearing a Unicorn mask! LMAO

Michelle

Back story on the Unicorn theme…….

One day I posted a meme, because, you know, RED HEAD.unicorn meme

And I think my friends ran with the idea that I collected unicorns? Because every single person was wearing one, even my biker friends!

There were rainbow balloons, masks, cake……..

cake

Slippers……Unicorn slippers

and glitter everywhere Birthday loot

I adore my crazy friends! And my daughter rocked and pulling this altogether. Even though all I could do really is sit and let people come to me.

me and Michelle

birthday crowd

A few days later was Christmas which was amazing and spent at my daughter’s house for the first time. I have pics but not a lot as I wasn’t feeling well, crabby from the steroids, her and her hubby argued and I walked out. 😦 *sigh*

I truly am grateful for my kids and my friends who I call family. But thank goodness 2018 is over!

 

 

 

 

Camping and getting’ right with myself

I’m sitting here on the porch, watching it rain. We haven’t had any in awhile and it’s been so peaceful all day. Everything looks to green and alive!

Last weekend, my son and I went to Hancock, Iowa, to a friend’s farm for a party and small music festival. They do it every year and call it Porkstock. It is so peaceful and so much fun. Great times, great people, great music and the peace and quiet of the country.

Here’s a little tidbit of our weekend. I woke up in my tent and heard the horses plodding around so unzipped my little window. I’m still cursing myself that I let my phone die and my camera was in the van because both horses, both mini goats with the donkey in the middle was perfectly framed in my window lol. I started cracking up and woke up my son in the next tent. Dangit!

The stage that the guys are on is in a century old bard that they cut the front wall out of. Complete with permanent lights and sound system. Yes, it’s all removed in the winter ;).

The first night we got there, we were some of the few guests so we spent the evening in the “party barn” with the owner and a few other people. The owner is half Cherokee Indian so we ended the night with a saging and Cherokee blessing for each of us. What a great start to a wonderful weekend.

Did a little singing with one of my best friends but I don’t know how to share it here from Facebook. John was invited but out of respect for me and my son, he declined. I’m glad. We are getting along, even went to a wedding together this weekend which was a little awkward, as a few people thought that meant we were back together. But the camping weekend helped me find my center and start rebuilding the part of myself that I lost while putting up with all the BS of the last few years.

My son was asked to come back out this weekend and help with clean up and getting the farm ready for some Halloween parties and he told me today that he’s staying all this week, too. He really loves it out there. I always say he’s a country boy stuck in the city. So I have some time alone this weekend to reflect on what I want to do with myself and my life going forward. Definitely not even thinking of the dating pool. Not nearly ready for that yet! No way!

We shall see……I better go get some laundry dried for work this next week. Hope whoever may be reading this has had a great weekend and will have a great week. Please take some time for yourself to just breathe. The rough times DO pass. I promise!

Drama, Divorce and Depression

Lately, I’ve realized that I’m coming out on the other side of the craziness of the past 6 months. And I also now feel comfortable enough to lay it all out, even if I’m the only one who reads this.

My hubby and I have been struggling for a very long time. A few years ago, it was brought to my attention that there may be a little sumpn’ sumpn’ going on with my husband and his ex girlfriend’s sister. After going through his Facebook, I discovered very well laid out plans between the two of them to hook up. I went a little “Irish” on them both and made him leave. It was a very stressful time, of course, but after a few weeks, I started missing him so bad and thought that if we could get help, we could maybe make it through.

The past two years have been hell a lot of the time. The trust was gone. I tried so very hard to get it back, but it was a lost cause. There was a moment last summer that he had taken his daughter for a weekend camping trip before school started and I spent a lot of the weekend alone. And I absolutely LOVED IT! It was so peaceful, no tension, no one sitting right across the room not speaking. No guilt over not wanting him to touch me. I got a small glimpse of what life would be like on my own and I craved it. That made me sad and I spend a lot of time crying. That Saturday evening as I was shutting the house down for the night, I knew I had a BIG decision to make. Sunday, they pulled in and were here about 10 minutes before I asked a simple question, he took it wrong and snapped at me. Yeah……. and there we go.

I sat with him that afternoon and told him what was in my heart and mind and that we either needed to get major marriage counseling or just call it quits. He promised the counseling. Unfortunately, our insurance wouldn’t cover it and it’s pretty expensive, so we tried on our own. Pffffffft I do believe I had been smacked with so many signs right in the face and I ignored every single one of them.

Fast forward to January. I had gotten up around 3 am one morning, being so stressed, I just was not sleeping well. Now, remember the trust issue….. I had a very strong gut feeling that I needed to check his phone. I tried ignoring it but finally gave in. Yes, I know it’s wrong, but I was proven right.  There in color was a message from a hookup site between my husband and another woman,  making plans to hook up and have sex if his job got rained out that day. As you can imagine, I was devastated. And I felt as if my whole heart just shattered. After all that had been going on, I was so FURIOUS!

He woke up that morning, grabbed some coffee and I followed him out on the porch. I asked him how long he’d been f*cking (her name)?! He said he wasn’t. I showed him the message. All he did was hang his head, say he was sorry and that he would move out. That’s it. That’s all I got. The next few much were hard as hell because he was stuck without the funds to move until the end of March. To add insult to injury, I was dumb enough to peek a few more times and the messages didn’t stop. Multiple women, flirting, planning, trading pics, etc.

It took a weeks and weeks after he moved out before I could stand to have a conversation with him without crying with anger. My self esteem took a major hit and all I kept wondering was, why wasn’t I enough.

Now it’s July and I’m all past that shit now. Believe it or not, him and I have gotten to the point where our relationship has actually shifted to friendship. We both realized we weren’t happy. I’m not sure he ever will be as he’s been now diagnosed with a Sex Addiction. YA THINK??!! I have learned a lot about and him and about myself since he moved out. I am loving living on my own, well with my son, and discovering the woman I always knew was inside somewhere. I’m happier at home, at work, with friends. There is no tension in my life at all right now. I’m in Heaven.

So just know, if your journey is just beginning, you CAN do this. Don’t be afraid to reach out to friends you can trust not to gossip when you’re not around. Garden. Read. Write. Anything to keep yourself from wallowing at home alone. Go see a band. Go watch some volleyball at a bar. Get out of the house! You can do it. And if you need to vent, comment below. I’ll help if I can.

~~~~ Laura

Pool Party vs. Pity Party

pool floatie

This weekend, I thank God for the friends that have my back through this craziness. I have one I will call L. She has a radar that seems to tell her when I’m home alone feeling sorry for myself, so when I got her Facebook message on Saturday afternoon, I wasn’t surprised. Honestly, I just wanted to go lay in bed and cover up for a few hours. She asked me to come over to help her with her pool, and I have this new thing now where I’m trying not to push others away. Which is the first thing you seem to do when you want to wallow and have said Pity Party.

So I grab my suit and a towel and tell her I’m on my way. I get there, sit with her and have a smoke and finally ask her what she needed help with. She went into her garage, came out with two Bud Lights and said, “drinking this in my pool”, with a big cheesy grin on her face. God bless that woman! I stood up to go change and she smacks my ass and said NO PITY PARTY TODAY! She said she just had a feeling that I needed time with a friend. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without her.

We floated in the pool, with me almost clinging to the side staying in the shade. Cuz this is me:

 

Today, I just cleaned and did laundry and dishes and watched a movie. Nice, relaxing day while Bubba hung out with his sister and Lyric.

Not sure what brought it on , but the tears came today. It doesn’t happen a lot anymore, but I think it was more the fact that my so called best friends have scattered to the winds because they’re so “busy”. Nice photos on Facebook from the bars this weekend though ;0) The tears became worse so I hopped in the shower so the neighbors wouldn’t think I was going crazy. I stood under the water and sobbed and sobbed until I couldn’t stand myself anymore, then I was fine.

I turned on my 80’s Pop channel on Pandora, because how can  you be sad while doing the dance moves to Mickey by Toni Basil? You can’t! My vacuum cleaner was my partner for a slow dance or two and my living and dining rooms were much appreciative. I did take a nap because, well, all those dance moves n stuff. Turned out to be a good day after all and I have decided I’ve wasted all the tears I’m going to on people that don’t respect our friendship or value me as a person. So there!

Monday is back tomorrow *sigh*…….Whoever happens to see this, have a great week!

There comes a time